Most of my life I’ve been overweight. Not a lot but never thin. Or, at least, what I thought of as “thin”. About two years ago, after gaining a lot of weight due to a severe depression, I lost 40 pounds. I went from a size 14 to a 6. Everybody told me I looked great. And I felt pretty good. I mean, I worked really hard to lose all that weight. I watched my food and worked out hard 5-6 days a week. I was able to buy clothes easier than before and it was amazing when a fitness instructor at my gym asked me what I was training for.

But you know what, I was still me. I did meet men who gave me attention and that was nice. But it didn’t change everything and it didn’t make things perfect. At my lowest weight I went to my cousin’s wedding. I bought a hot dress and I looked pretty good. I had just started dating someone. He said he’d love to be my date for the wedding. I was so excited. I had been single for a long time and I was seated at the wedding with all married couples. So how awesome was this. I lost all this weight, I was thin and sexy and I’d finally have a date for this wedding.

My before, after and and now

Well, a few days before the wedding the guy bailed and said he couldn’t go. I went to the wedding alone. How was it that after all of that hard work I was still alone? I had a nice time, danced with my daughters and it was ok. But it was hard. And it reminded me that losing the weight didn’t change my life. I mean, I knew that. Yet, part of me still lived with this fantasy that when I was thin things would be better. I would find a great guy, a fulfilling job and the sky would be filled with rainbows. Ok, I wasn’t that delusional. But really everything was the same.

I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost. Keeping up grueling workouts hasn’t been sustainable for me. I’m healthy, I exercise. But I want to be ok with myself even if I’m not a size 6. We all deserve to be happy and feel good about ourselves, regardless of the size of our jeans, and realize that what makes us awesome isn’t our weight.